轉工的事傳開後, 同事紛紛走來了解詳情, 我很樂意逐一介紹新工作是做些什麼, 牽涉什麼性質等等. 大家起初都有點疑惑, 但聽下去就雀躍起來: "一定比現在好吧?!"
這個問題經常令我不知所措. 好不好, 是怎麼個定義? 將來的事又有誰知道呢? 我想, 人生就是在不斷嘗試, 好的壞的, 也是經歷. 我沒打算要拿什麼博士學位, 也沒期望幹出什麼成績. 做人吧了, 不需每分每刻都那麼辛苦. 老實說, 我也想過一直留在這裡, 算是打一份自由工, 隨時做個半職媽媽. 不過, 我才二十九歲, 好像還沒看夠世界. 我對這本雜誌的感情是沒有什麼能取代的, 正如沒有什麼能取代這裡的回憶. 但, 人總得上路. 列車開到鎮來, 本來沒車票的我有幸被批准登上列車, 錯過了, 就只能盯著那一縷輕煙, 消失於山巒. 也許它會帶我到達不毛之地, 也許它會帶我欣賞奇珍異獸, 也許...它會帶我回到原地.
轉工, 意味著工作性質的轉變, 也意味著身份的轉變.
話說梁教授托一位research assistant (我未來的同事) 幫我從圖書館借做功課用的電影(三盒舊錄影帶), 那天我特地回嶺南將電影交還圖書館(不能網上續借), 但因為未看完錄影帶, 打算用自己的圖書證再借出. 怎料, 圖書館理員說, 我不是staff, 不能借出, 只能在圖書館內看. 頓時火起, 我遠遠跑回來, 三盒錄影帶長6小時, 不能借出, 怎做功課? 於是向圖書館理員表達不滿, 當然這招"死纏難打"不成功, 唯有再打電話給未來同事, 麻煩她再來圖書館幫忙借出. 未來同事來到後, 跟圖書館理員聊了幾句, 把我也介紹了. 接著, 她小聲地對圖書館理員說: "她是我的上司!" 被她這樣稱呼, 嚇了一著, 立刻糾正: "是同事, 同事."
想想將來要"管理"這幾位research assistants, 也有點擔心. 他們都是有MPhil的, 而我卻連MA也未拿到, 竟然做他們的"上司", 人工比他們高一兩倍, 會否不將我"放在眼內"? 其實, 這個情況在什麼地方也會發生, 唯有自強不息啦. 幸好, 我還是個小律師.
很久也沒有"管理"過人, 以前在律師行會帶一兩個junior做project, 但只是guide著她們, 不太算是"管理". 被迫做"管理", 也許是好事, 我快三十歲, 進到另一個層次, 新的挑戰. 這些年間, 遇上過好的管理人, 也遇上過不濟的, 現在回憶一下他們的優點和缺點, 給自己一些警惕.
做了決定後, 不知怎的有一種淡淡的不捨, 感覺並不強烈, 卻挑撥著心情. 丹尼斯曾問我對什麼不捨, 當時只敷衍了他幾句, 情這回事是很難用三言兩語道盡的. 離開律師行前夕, 絲毫沒有哀愁, 恨不得明天就走; 這裡, 卻是另一個故事.
如果要我具體說捨不得什麼, 大概是人吧, 也有附隨著人的回憶. 至於是誰, 不必多說, 我相信人的感情是相向的, 我捨不得的人, 跟我會有共通的情感, 即使在某個時空, 那條軌跡佈了刺腳的沙石.
我是很感情用事的人, 但丹尼斯不只一次提醒我, 人總不該為了別人而離開, 也不該為了別人而留下, 到底大家總有離開的一天. 在我強烈喚醒自己的理性時, 忽然看到這句電影對白:
"Everyone should make a move once in a while. Staying in one place makes you mean: it's done that to me."
印度電影, 語法上可能不準確, 但意思卻能跨越地域場景.
這兩天幫教授整理同學的創作故事, 準備出書. 看同學寫故事, 熄滅了很久的"寫作癮"又發作起來. 我一直都很希望將來能寫出動人的小說, 但我不著急, 因為沒有歷練和技巧, 就什麼也寫不好. 自回到校園, 深深體會到未學行先學走的痛苦. 我大膽地相信自己有寫故事的觸角, 但不了解各種技巧和文學歷史, 就像小朋友拿起畫筆胡亂塗鴉, 雖不乏趣味, 卻難成大器.
另一方面, 自讀碩士課以來, 基本上無暇想別的事情, 腦袋脹住, 所有幻想都擱在一旁.
剛才打開以前寫的一些小說來看(沒給人看過的), 覺得那個手筆很陌生; 技巧當然不好, 但情感上我是很滿意的. 兩年後的今天, 心裡有點害怕, 我再也寫不出那種手筆.
In the process of tempering my emotions and affections for both my personal development and work, it's a by-product that my emotions for words have also been indirectly suppressed to a certain extent. The magazine is no doubt within the boundary of realism whereby I have tried hard to fit into the spectrum. Of course, there's no room for individualism either.
What I find interesting about doing the master course is, everything is possible. For instance, when I sought the professor's advice on my course thesis topic, he strongly recommends me to do crossovers and apply my knowledge and research on paintings (the concept of concreteness and abstraction) to movies. Therefore, under his suggestion, I'm going to interpret "Apu trilogy" (an Indian movie series) from the perspective of "concreteness and abstraction". Sounds weird? Actually not. Some scholars have written books on this aspect long ago. I have no idea how this can be done but it's an interesting attempt indeed though I only have two weeks to get this done (Worse is, I could feel the initial attack of flu). Many more sleepless nights.
那天的傾談過程中，那位陳教授提出一個問題：「S，我剛才快速地看妳答的題目，從妳寫的東西及妳的背景資料，感覺妳是很感性的人，我擔心妳做這份工作可能會很frustrated…」
真有趣，我自覺那份答案的內容和語調是很「理性」的，基本上是一個評論，他竟然也覺得感性；唉，這真是我的大問題。最近在想，自己這年學了些什麼，其中一點應該是「控制」(temper比較準確) 情感；顯然，我的情感還是太暴露。我的人生總在同一個循環或陷阱中掙扎：indulgence–pleasure–suffering–tragedy，總無法將情感放在一個合適的位置，也無法管束它的氾濫，只讓它有無盡的空間將我吞噬。
我相信那種暴露的情感直接令他們喜歡我，但我也知道「水能載舟，亦能覆舟」的道理。
這是終身學習的課題，但願我永遠記著。
An awfully hot day. Due to my possible move to Lingnan, D and I spent the whole afternoon exploring the possible residential options near Lingnan. While we two sweated like dogs after visiting various apartments, the agent who is around the same age as me, told us that he has been working, i.e. bringing clients here and there under the sun, since 10:00 this morning.
Staring at his "transparent" shirt, I began to think, "What made us different?"
I used to live in Tuen Mun (at the age of 2-3), what would happen if I've lived and studied at schools there all along? I may have arrived at the same destination or I may not. I may have ended up being an estate agent or a sales.
When I came to this thought, I felt very grateful of what I am. Of course, I worked very hard to achieve things that I wanna achieve. Yet, there're always people who are willing to accept me and put their absolutely faith on me. I'm such a blessed girl. Prof. L said there're lots of strong candidates to compete for the job but they've still chosen me even though I don't possess the most relevant qualifications and experience (though he must say this out of courtesy).
My friends in the legal field often put money as priority for their career (the logic of which I could understand), for instance, my ex-colleague recently expressed annoyingly that an in-house company just offered her $75,000 while her present salary is more than $80,000. She finds it really insulting. I honestly believe she, as most other legal friends, have gone too far as to chase after figures everyday. Though we're very good friends, I try not to discuss the subject with her (coz she's kind of a negative energy for me on this issue).
Prof. L and the HR are still struggling on my remuneration at the moment. Based on experience, it does no good to start off with an unreasonably low pay, hoping for an increase not long after, so I tried to make my point clear at the outset, i.e. I don't see money as shit (as opposed to what the other professor said during the interview). It may sound practical or even materialistic but I believe I should say this once at this early stage and leave the rest to his discretion.
I really feel very grateful and thank God for all the good things happening on me. Of course, including D's love and support, without which nothing could happen.
我們暑假"文化評論"課開設了一個網頁, 方便同學取得有關課堂資料, 有興趣了解我們正在讀些什麼, 可看看: http://www.ln.edu.hk/chi/511.html (R, 上次妳說想看看)
同學寫的習作(自由隨意的, 不是強制要寫)也被放到上面, 我談林風眠畫展那份觀後感也在內.
Finally got the thing done. No matter what it turns out to be, I feel good about the attempt. There're some interesting episodes during the conversation, one of which came from a Prof. Chan, the director of the aging studies centre (I forgot the exact name of his centre, plus, he was there just to make the process appear fair, I guess, coz the other two on panel were Prof. L and the teacher who taught me "Literature & Cinema" last semester). After Prof. L asked me my previous remuneration as a solicitor, Prof. Chan began his next question jokingly with "妳視錢財如糞土..." The room was immediately filled with laughter and, of course, I denied instantly. While I don't see money as shit, I appreciate Prof. L brought out such issue coz he wants to be fair to me and can't help express that my present pay is kind of below average. The thing I worried about before the day - the written test, was completely out of the discussion. Obviously, what I wrote about bringing the publication to the public doesn't really suit his taste but he did say what I wrote was very fair and creative. As I said, finding jobs is similar to dating, either the person likes you or dislike you, very often not built on what you said or done. The process didn't last very long coz they already know me well. When I walked out, there's another girl waiting outside. I suppose there should be lots of candidates for this kind of job and there're always good candidates to choose from.
I told D that I feel 50-50 about this, partly because I'm not a candidate who meets all their requirements (though they like me as their student), partly because I still like what I'm doing now. D, who always knows how to justify things, said 50-50 is enough for a move. Well, I suppose so. What I want are things that this company can't offer me and I really need extra nourishment to develop into a better person. Honestly, I don't have full confidence that I could manage the job (which really sounds like a one-man company except with 3 RAs under me) but I guess, career-wise, there's nothing more difficult than being a lawyer.
Humm, I'll leave everything to God.
Sometimes you have the feeling of being sucked into a black hollow but you are also tempted to hide in it, or simply vanish into the wilderness.
Sometimes you want so desperately to reach the summit, yet knowing well the other side of the mountain is the same old world.
Sometimes you are so tired of answering questions in an extravagant manner but answers always decide your fate.
I have no grand answers. I just want to take a look.
"You were misled by your own frustration and passivity, believing that what you were not allowed to have was what your heart was destined to embrace." - Waiting, Ha Jin
Too many things happened and will happen in these two weeks that it's rather difficult to calm down. I'll do another presentation in "aesthetics in paintings" (talk about the art of "concreteness and abstraction", i.e. black and white in Chinese paintings) tomorrow during the lesson and prepare for some difficult stuff next week. Sometimes, you thought you can handle things without too much anxiety coz it's not the first time that it happens but in fact you're just so tied down by the unrest. Hope everything will be fine, at least up to my usual standard. A little burnt out.
D just finished the first private tutorial English lesson with his colleague (the Dr. in creative writing). His comment is "Wow, excellent". Obviously, he enjoys going back to basics after leaving school for so many years. Somehow, he wants to change to a more British accent, so his colleague adjusted his pronunciation of "n", "l", "r", "th" (in fact, he didn't recognise he shares such problems). For most HK students, no one really teaches them how to pronounce different sounds correctly or speak with appropriate intonation. I had the privilege to be taught by various foreign teachers who were very strict with my pronunciation (you can't imagine how they take every "th" seriously). It was not until I entered university that I realised the benefit of this when the foreign teacher in "English for Law" made one of the most unforgettable compliments in my life - "Gal, you speak like the Queen of England!"
I must say my oral English has "deteriorated" a bit these years due to the lack of practice (even when I was a lawyer, I spoke Mandarin more than English). Last Wednesday, I need to accompany an Australian colleague to do an outdoor project all day long. The most enjoyable thing is, I finally got the chance to speak English all day! I even taught her a couple of Cantonese phrases which she successfully picked up before leaving HK.
I also want someone to improve my pronunciation!
When you wish something could happen, it just doesn't, at least not at the pace you expected. So, you try to put it out of your mind, fearing that the more you think about it, the more likely that it won't happen. It's not as pathetic as it seems, just a conclusion gathered from experience.
Just watched a documentary (more precisely a film) on Discovery Channel (209) last Sunday night –"Grizzly Man", followed by "Diary of the Grizzly Man" (which recorded what Timothy Treadwell's friends thought about the film). There have been a lot of controversies around the film and the life of Timothy Treadwell since the release of his story in 2005. It's not just a documentary or a heroic record of an ecologist (Tim was not really an ecologist at all) but a story about a man who discovered the meaning and direction of his life after spending all the chaotic years indulging in drugs and alcohol. I don't know when it'll be shown again (you can check the timetable) but it's worthwhile to take a look.
For more information about "Grizzly Man": http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Grizzly_Man
P.S. Though the story is centered on grizzly bears and wolves, it contains heart-breaking scenes which therefore is not so suitable for young children (or PG is recommended).
你身邊有沒有家人或朋友有以下特徵？他似乎長期處於「貧窮線」邊緣，每次出現都表現得很「手緊」，很多時甚至要向你借錢。他並不是收入奇低的窮等人家，沒有什麼家庭負擔，卻比養妻活兒的人還要窮。他的收入花到哪裡去了？賭呀、吃喝玩樂呀、購物呀，什麼都可能，但真實情況往往是個迷。他本質不是一個壞人，所以家人朋友都一而再的「縱容」他，對他每次吃飯奉旨不付錢、借一千幾百，甚至幾千幾萬的行為視為常態。他知道家人不會看著他捱窮。
面對這些人，你有時會很動氣，因為你看到他的衣著比你光鮮，生活比你奢侈，你可能不捨得搭的士，但他卻視的士為「正常代步交通工具」。他會告訴你沒五十元吃飯，但他穿的衣服每件五百元以上。最諷刺的是，他對自己的作風不感到有問題，只經常表示自己已經「很慳」了。你不知他怎樣「慳」，以前花一萬，現在花一千叫做「慳」，花九千也叫做「慳」。
我不反對別人花錢，你賺到錢，花多少也有自由，但沒理由要do this at the expense of others，人家也有自己的生活，也有自己的負擔，也有自己捱窮的日子，為什麼你就不能捱窮？最重要是，你比很多人的收入已經好很多很多了。小時候家裡窮得要命，但從沒借別人的錢；我和丹尼斯最窮的時候，長期不捨得上館子，買新衫，難道我們不覺辛苦？分別是，我們知道，窮也要窮得有骨氣。吃少點買少點是小事，失去了骨氣就很難挽回。沒有很多人出生就富足，大家都是憑自己的努力改善生活，打開眼睛，看看別人怎樣生活，怎樣改善自己的生活吧！
I got an A in last semester's "Literature & Cinema" course! ^_^
Though lecturers tend to give higher marks for master students (taking into consideration their tight schedules), this is a great encouragement!
Thank you very much to all who have provided me valuable opinions on my course thesis, lent me their VCDs, or spiritually supported me in the past months...
I'm working on something unfamiliar again in the past week - paintings and aesthetics (the use of black and white) for my presentation in the "Aesthetics" course two weeks later. I've done some readings on the traditional Chinese paintings but my lecturer has just asked me to explore the western side as well. Ah, they often expect more than what I plan to do ... but this could be good for me, just push me to learn more.
Being candid is an art - a purification process that one learns to live out throughout his life. It's not about whether an act in a particular situation is candid or not.
Someone said, "Being candid makes one happy and healthy coz he doesn't have to worry what he said or done hurts other people in any respect." I think it's ridiculous. If one often feels troubled and painful to think about what to say and act, it's because he has to do it consciously (no doubt it consumes energy) whereas this is really an inherent quality relating to one's sensitivity and consideration for others, which should be a subconscious reaction. Why is it wrong to act differntly before different people? We all do this, for god's sake. Relationship, affection, expectation, personality... all affect the way we react, isn't this a simple fact? If you talk and act in the same way to all people, why should others like/love you more or treat you differently?
BTW, "agree to disagree" is a saying which refers to a situation where two or more people resolve conflict by reaching an agreement whereby both sides tolerate but do not accept the views, opinions or position of the other side. It's funny to argue about the meaning of this phrase when it's crystal clear!
